yesterday i mean, yeah yesterday my sister, i mean two days ago my sister took care of me a lot. she is 34 or something and the oldest and takes care of people a lot. i felt bad and scared of her husband later, i mean now. she helped me throw up and made sure i didnt destroy her carpet and couch and stuff. it was like 2-4am and she has a 2month old baby. she is nice. i feel the emotion guilt when i think about it. i did not express to her my guilt or thanks at all. i just hoped it was assumed. probably i would feel stupid apologizing. ashamed. in the car she said she would not tell my parents if i went to a counselor. i said it costs money. she said she has a friend who might do it for free. periods are the new line breaks. she bought me a cheeseburger to fill up my stomach and not make me sick and put brownies in my bag and stuff. i felt really sick and crappy. she said 'i havent seen anything like that for a long time' or something. i felt cool secretly. she said things about god to me and how i had destructive addictions corresponding to my mind, body and soul. but in a nice way. she is nice. i do not really feel bad. i should feel bad. i am too selfish. i am scared of her husband because, i dunno, he seems like it would make him mad or just, like, think of me as a stupid asshole. i am a stupid asshole. oh no! ha. i dunno. oh yeah, on the bus there was a guy i sat next to and moved closed to on purpose, we moved close to eachother on purpose. and then he said in a loud voice are you getting off here when i started moving and i said yeah in a quiet voice and felt stupid and was awkward getting off the bus. it was the chinatown bus. stupid. the word stupid is in my brain a lot recently, recently a lot. i dont like it. i should replace it with a word like scooters or the gas station. on the bus before that guy got on it i went and stood in the bathroom and felt really sick, i had to pee, there was no toilet paper, i felt really sick and like peeing would help, i used tissue from the trash bag. haha. diiiiiisgusting. i dunno. i didnt ever wash my hands for like five hours from then either. after i peed i felt a lot better. i liked riding the bus.
before i said to my mom that we should live 'parallel lives' and 'coexist' or something, just cause, i'm lazy and stuff. she often wants me to do chores and things and other things i guess. and she said no or something. i have to do things that she says, because, it will make me better. and stuff. like a week ago we had an argument about it or something. and i said she was controlling and she said i'm trying to help you or something and i said how, what do you want me to be like, in a mean voice, i was mean the whole time, causing her to be able to be sad about me being mean. i mean. idunno. then i cried. i have compulsive crying disorder. haha. not really. its stupid. stupid. i dunno. stupid. what am i doing. i think i am imitating tomhanks a little. hi tomhanks, i like your blog. there is a yellow highlighter on the desk in front of me. the desk in front of me erodes over time, it changes to support different life forms as time passes. before and after eating someone has to pray my parents think. my dad asked my mom to pray after eating dinner today. she said 'dear lord, have mercy on us, amen.' my dad said short and to the point. my mom didnt talk to me all day. usually she prays a little more than that. after dinner i went on her username and looked in her internet history but she didnt get any incriminating emails from my sister and she didnt look at anything ive done on the internet. my sister might have called her. i dunno. am i doing bad things, am i horrible. yes yes. horrible. um, um. yesterday my mom, um, i mean, today, i mean. my parents teach a lit class to me and other homeschoolers. like five people have dropped out or not shown up to the class. my parents are sad and alone. i am mean to them. they are nice to me occasionally except my mom hates me now. sometimes they feel like they have to control me and their demeanor changes. i dunno. i dont really feel stupid or guilty about them. i feel critical. thats stupid though, i think. scooters. um, um. oh yeah. the lit class is on wednesdays. i didnt do half of the homework and my dad hasnt said anything to me about it. they alternate teaching, my parents. my mom doesnt like my dad. my dad is sad. my mom is sad. maybe theyre not sad. i just am dramatic. i am also imitating the story about the brother named jason i think. my dad woke me up five minutes before the lit class is supposed to start. my clock is like 20 minutes fast and i got dressed fast. i dont want to talk about the lit class. it makes me feel stupid. homeschoolers are cooler than me and have a club. a girl brought brownies because its her 16th birthday. i ate a brownie. the lit class is two hours like with a 5 minute break between the hours. 830-1030. after it i went to sleep til like 2pm. then i did things i cant remember what. i cleaned my room i think. and did laundry. oh yeah i ate rice and read the 4th twilight book. thats my jawn. i like the parts where its jacobs point of view and bella as a vampire's point of view better than other parts. the rice was good. i am a fan of rice. this morning i also ate a banana. eventually it was dinner time. my mom was sad. before i walked in the kitchen i thought, i am going to be nice and happy. i think because i thought about dinner as a shitty thing being my fault for being sullen. and i felt guilty for sleeping a lot and not doing anything to help my mom. a little. so at dinner i wasnt as sullen as usual. ha. i still only talked like, when necessary, but, i think i was less sullen. my dad. then after my mom prayed i felt annoyed i think. before when we had an argument she said she wanted me to be more civil and nice, and polite. and respond nicely. i watched her not respond nicely to my dad at dinner and felt like, victorious. haha. i am stupid and horrible. haha. then she prayed and i felt annoyed and cleared some plates and then ran away to the computer with feelings of annoyance and also scared, and then checked her history. usually i also load the dishwasher but i didnt. i thought 'she likes cleaning it makes her feel better' so iwouldnt feel guilty about not loading the dishwasher.